this is my dieary. i share all my deepest thoughts here.
today was good as usual. i saw readytoglare's video on sickgirl and that (besides sol pais) has inspired me to make my own blog-diary. i do not condone anything columbine related at all.
i just want a place to express myself freely without being suppressed by forces around me. in 2019 and earlier this year 2 physical diaries i made were found and got me in a lot of trouble.
today has been quite nice as of now. since i got nothing to say today, i'll tell you a recap of the past week. i turned 14 on the 26th. i didnt get any gifts but it was genuinely great. my sister turned 11 on the 21st.
neither of gus got gifts besides cake, but we have enough things to be grateful for anyways. in discord, i became a co owner for a group my friend owns. it has over 410 members and i'm excited.
now let's get into the sol pais/sickgirl thing. i do NOT condone anything done by eric harris and dylan klebold did. i just like how aesthetic their blogs looked,(sol and sick's) and im trying to replicate that while trying to be as original as possible.
i'm honestly glad school's over. 8th grade was awful, and i hope 9th grade isn't. i'll miss a few people but i hope everyone's doing fine.
i used a vpn to listen to chromatica early. my favorite song is fun tonight. i can't wait to stream it on spotify tomorrow.
i want to get out. i'm sick of this place. i've never felt comfortable here. i'm planning to move to houston or la (if i can) once i turn 18. i hope to be a singer or whatever.
i might upload music in this blog but it'd be later this year or next year.
now let's get into my love life (which is non-existent) all the guys i've had crushes on are straight and it just hurts me, even tho it's nobody's fault.
i want a 17-23 yr old bf. i know it's wrong but i don't feel like any guy my age will do it for me. ever since i watched lolita and listened to lana del rey,
i've wanted a relationship like that since, even though i doubt it'll happen anytime soon.
it's 4:28 pm now, and a few things have happened. me and a friend (which we'll call dev) tried helping a friend (which we'll call marc) to get his crush (which we'll call tom) to like him.
dev and i basically spammed gay porn and tried to make tom think he's gay. he didn't respond in the best way. for example, he called me and dev n****rs. we couldn't stand his behavior and left.
even after how to showed us what a literal piece of shit he is, marc still wants to be friends with him. i'm only doing the same to carry out my plan.
so me and dev are trying to doxx tom, which will take about a week for so to gain his trust.
yesterday was one of the best days ever. my parents got me and my sister some late birthday gifts (which i'm really grteful for) and i just love them.
i got a 25 dollar google play giftcard and some film for my camera. my sister and i had a photoshoot and now i have 3 pictures left.
i spent 10 dollars on roblox and made a new outfit.
shit. i was scrolling through a yaoi twitter account and one of my mother came in. she pretended she didn't see anything but we're gonna fight over my sexuality soon anyways.
i hate this. i wanna get out. ive been considering suicide lately. i wanna do it but death isnt the best thing. in all my past attempts i ended up regretting and i don't want that to happen.
i'm carrying out my plan by the time im 18. i wont get ahead in this world and i know it.
the past days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. my mood has been changing a lot and i don't know how to feel.
ive had really strange dreams the past 3 days but i can only remember one as of now. it was about a couple.
they were kidnapped and held in a basement. the guy was being interrogated and for every question he got wrong his girlfriend out be slit around her body.
and about the george floyd protests, i support the causes and everything but i don't think looting and posting pitch black images on instagram will help much ngl.
i've been feeling down and jealous too. my friend can do so many things i can't. this just makes me awful. they're good at something and actually have a chance at life, while i'm here complaining.
i'm planning to commit suicide by the time i'm 18. it might happen somewhere between 2021 and 2023 though. i know i'll be missed, but that's the best decision for me.
i also saw elephant (the 2003 movie) 2 days ago. it was interesting in my opinion.
shame. i feel nothing but shame about my sexuality. i dont like being gay. i just want a life without as much drawbacks as possible, buts that's unfortunately not the case.
i really wanna settle down, have kids and have a regular life. but i can't. i just feel like there's this giant rock in my back that i can't get rid of.
i'm also friends with tess and liz (not their real names) again. i'm really glad they forgave me after all the shit i did (i'll explain tomorrow or so).
sorry for the weird font size too, ive tried fixing it but i cant.
sorry i havent been active for a few days. my dad took away my desktop privileges for a few days and as of now im typing this on an old phone.
dev is trying to expose his ex boyfriend i'll call george. he basically catfished and cheated on dev, but i cant blame him.
its 1:28 am too btw. now back to the george shit. he and dev net in march and had a shitty on and off relationship like tess, but worse.
george had a short temper and said he wanted to kill himself and self harm. i fucking wanted him to do it, but i suppose dev wouldn't like it if i ended his shitty relationship.
now time to explain what i did to liz and tess. so, tess had an awful on and off relationship with a boy we'll call arthur.
arthur basically critized and shamed tess a lot, but she isnt the perfect person either. she overreacted to anyone in our friend group for talking to him after they broke up. after i jokingly flirted w him, everything turned to shit.
it;s 5:22 pm now. i feel anxious as hell. some kid from school messaged me after 6 months. i don't like him at all. anything from school gives me anxiety.
i went invisible on discord so i couldn'tt talk to talk to him.
i just had a huge argument with my mother. she doesnt want me to be gay, but thats unchangeable. she thinks i'll end up prostituting myself and catching aids,
and that everyone in my family will cut me off and pretend i never existed. i cant with this anymore.
6/12/20
the past 5 days have been emotionally tiresome. i've gotten in fights with both my parents and my friends and im tired of this. i just want to leave this place and make one for myself.
on the bright side, i've managed to recontact someone. in august 2018, there was this group called "the sister's covenant". i liked it's ideology so i joined it. there i met someone i'll call him zap.
we never really talked honestly, and as a result he eventually unfriended me. this year, me and my friend jess made a satirical anit-lgbt group. and guess who joined it. zap did.we talked about school and stuff. he's in college right now, meaning he's 19-21. when the conversation ended, i told him my spam account name in instagram.
he told me he had memes in his page, but i never realized how gruesome they were. one of them was this meme in which the "work" song my 4th harmony played, and everytime they said "work"
something gruesome would happen. (e.g. people getting shit. someone slitting open their wrist) and it truly traumatized me, but i played it off well.
i also continued talking with the kid from school. thankfully enough he didn't add me in groupchats.
my parents are being bitter to each other again and i feel like it's my fault. i'm sick of this. someone help me.
i really want this to stop. my mother' crying now and i don't wanna hear this. i wanna leave this house and never come back. i just cant deal with all this shit.
6/13/20
i've seen to much gruesome stuff in the past 2 years and i wish i didn't. i want my purity back.
uma kompton liked my post on twitter. i'm so happy rn.
6/17/20
i don;t understand why people would mutilate themselves. i've read about cases of people who've removed body parts as a kink and i feel disgusted by it. i know it's their body and shit, but yikes.
this world has too much gruesome shit for me. god i wish i never found out too much about the world.
sorry i havent been active in the past few days. remember the guy i recontacted? he basically deleted everything, unfriended me, and ghosted me. i was only away for 15 minutes-
i did feel bad, but hes just a racist bitch who doesnt need me anyways.
i'm sorry ive been gone for a whole week now. a sizeable amount of things have happened and i just wanna tell you most, if not all, of it.
i found my furby boom from 2014. i know it just rambles and stuff but venting to it about my problems helps me a lot.
i'm also becoming more active in my friend's discord server, even though most people dont know who i am.
6/30/20
it's been 17 days now and i'm sill extremely distraught about sarah hegazi's death. i'm not egyptian myself, but the way how lgbt people aree treated in the mideast is awful.
sarah basically waved a pride flag during a concert in cairo (i believe) and she was arrested and tortured by authorities until her release in 2018.
she was basically shunned by most of her community and had to move to canada for safety reasons. she couldn't handle the trauma anymore and took her own life 17 days ago.
we won't fail the lgbt community like the egyptian government did.
7/9/20
yesterday and today have been pure shit. yesterday, i and a friend resigned from dev's group after we realized how toxic he is. i use another discord account now.
today me and my mother argued again. i;m sick of this. i'm planning to kill myself by 2023.
7/16/20
i finished watching ahs 1984 2 days ago .i loved the series. my favorite characters were trevor (bc body goals and hes hot omg), brooke (bc she helped brooke scape), and brooke (for helping to end margaret). Some other things that have been going on was that tess' house got haunted. one thing i'm scared of is my friend sof killing herself. she said she'd do it today.
7/20/20
here's some updates: tess is just some white girl having a witchcraft phase after all and sof left the gc but didnt ultimate kill her ass.
i'm jealous of marc ad dev's relationship (they began dating for who knows what reason) and i honestly dont like that. i'm currently planning to become dev's boyfriend as soon as he breaks up w marc
and when that happens, i'll basically emotionally abuse the fuck out of him (dev). he's fucked me up for the past 2 years and i cant stand this bs anymore. i've emotionally abused my whole friend group earlier this year.
after an argument w dev, i basically ghosted everyone, left the server, and went offline. after 5 days i told a friend to add me back in the gc. i laughed so hard when i looked up my name in the gc messages
and saw how dev was worried and shit. it was so fun. i know you're probably thinking that i'm just and edgy whore, but i'm just pulling an eye for an eye here. i was basically forced to support dev in all the weird shit he did.
for example, he'd be racist to most of the people he knew. for example, he'd blast stereotypical (insert culture/mationality) music while making racist remarks. he's asian, but that doesn't justify his shitty actions,
which made me nearly as awful as him. i wanna change.
7/21/20
i've lost all the respect i had left in 3 of my friends (incluiding tess). another friend (which we'll called mar) basically went on some christian server and started being an asshole in general.
i get that some of them are bigots but just going around being an asshole to a bunch of people for no reason is unexcusable. when someoe in there tried having a civil debate with mar,
but she started saying shit like "ur opinion is worng okay" and blocked him. liz felt offended by this and went offline. i havent spoken in the gc and muted it was a result.
7/23/20
things got better in the gc. tess house got haunted again but that doesnt matter right now. my opinions on certain things and people have changed, specially people in neocities.
after the whole sickgirl thing i just realized that at her and at least half of her followers are mentally ill columbine fans. what a shocker. people like that make me lose in humanity tbh.
if you idolize shitty people and wanna go on a mass muder spree and yo know you "cant" get help just kys. do the world a favor. okay?
7/31/20
im giving up on my life. i have no aspirations. i took a career test online and i hate all the "careers" i got. why the fuck would i want to be a damn teacher?
my advice is incredibly awful, and i have and never will have any social skills. i also went back to self harming. i attempted to take some polaroids but i never found the camera.
i've also been talking to zap more lately. we talked about 2000s pop culture and nostalgia. he's like, what would you call it? like a big brother i never had. he doesnt really get mad at me for doing things
like not responding to messages right away and i'm getting emotionally attached to him tbh. but still, that won't fill in the empty void in me. i'm ending it all by 2024.
8/3/20
today has been as shitty as usual. i ate 3 slices of pizza (which i purged.) i've also been binge-watching euphoria since yesterday. im in episode 5 now.
8/4/20
today was remarkably shittier than usual. i got in 2 arguments with my friends. the first one happened around 7 am. all of a sudden, my friend (who we'll call oscar)
began rambling over how im a shitty person. here's some proof.
i dont understand why hed say that. he literally made a poem romanticizing pedophilia YESTERDAY.
hypocrite much? now to the other argument i had. so, i said in the groupchat that i was considering taking a break off discord. then THIS happens.
im glad he unfriended me soon after.
8/14/20
yeah so were friends again and we dont really talk to each other anymore. anyways, i'm so fucking tired of living/
i barely have friends, everyone sees me as a creep and i dont like where the future is headed. i also have no aspirations in life, which make me fully useless to the world.
i haven't decided how i'm committing suicide but i hope its gonna happen in the next 5 years.
10/14/20
a lot of shit happened in the past 2 months. i'm no longer friends with dev and the friend group after he added a sensitive whore named betc who
cancelled me over sendng offensive memes and stuff. that didn't really affect me but what happened soon after still scars me to this very moment. my friend of almost-two years
left me. it was about 12 pm in september 7, when he sent me a message saying "youre a dickhead leave me alone for the rest of my life" and he blocked me. he also abandoned his discord account and went on another one.
i feel sorry for whatever the fuck i did to him, and i hope i change my ways but i know damn well hes never coming back. being friends with him was nice while it lasted but oh well its over now.
i'm currently reading my past entries and omfg i victimized myself WAY too much. i've pretty much accepted that my parents being homophobic is just a cultural thing and that they're likely never going to change.
i've also accepted that its MY fault that i have no social, friends, etc. i really wanna improve but i dont have any motivation lol.
something else i've changed about is that i'm less feminine. considering how 99% of the world sees feminine men as inferior ive decided to change for the better. i'll try to get rid of the fucking bubbles images off my blog
6/7/21
im back on this site after 10 months and oh god what the hell was i doing here
as soon as i can.